Creatures have always been my favorite part of Magic. They attack, they block, some slice, some dice, but they all serve a huge purpose in every game of Commander. Mechanics aside, the state of the battlefield is one of the most effective narrative devices in any game of Commander, and the right creatures make for the best stories.
So the wrinkle here is that as the lion’s share of widely consumed Commander content has been slowly turning up the dial in terms of how to optimize decks and card choices, many creatures that want simply to attack and block for you, dear reader, have been pushed to the margins of the format in favor of creatures that are nothing more than spells stapled onto a sandwich board. All of the sudden, if a creature doesn’t immediately impact the board or bring the moon crashing down onto your opponents, it’s oftentimes just “not good enough.” It’s as if a creature needing to survive a turn cycle is some insurmountable feat that introduces a completely unacceptable level of variance into the path of victory that your favorite Commander podcast or content creator hath laid before thee. You must have no fear, and through that courage, play dope shit.
That being said, here are my top five bad creatures that I always try to fit in decks but, most of the time, cut at the last minute but sometimes actually find room for and have great experiences with. I think they’re all good enough to where they should certainly see more play, but totally bad enough that I get why they don’t. So, in no particular order (except for number one):
This card is an aesthetic masterpiece, first of all. The art is gorgeous (yes, the art on the card is just as important as what the card does), and the old card frame looks great alongside the color palette. Just a chef’s kiss 10/10 on looks. Second, this thing is super good on rate, no doubt because of the “drawback.” Here’s the thing — this card sucking the life out of you is just something that adds another point of tension to the game. Do you want your super sweet creature to beat up your friends? Well, then you’re going to take damage too, and race is on! Just a home run on multiple fronts, this thing. Cut something boring and slot it in. Don’t even get me started on that flavor text.
This card used to be super good! You get to cycle it, trade away the bad cards to get it back, rinse, repeat, eventually cast it and trade up in combat. Now all of those things are bad. The trick with this one, however, is that all of those things being bad doesn’t change the fact that they still feel really good to do! It is still fun to take advantage of the design elements here. Taking game actions with cool game pieces is awesome, and in that regard Undead Gladiator is some choice shit. There will always be a time and place to spin your wheels and play a little small-ball. Never let people on the internet make you feel like playing small-ball is bad.
One of many iterations of Quirion Dryad, but maybe my favorite. This one is sort of tricky because on it’s face, it seems like something to be relegated to decks that are interested in pulling things off with +1/+1 counters, since it’s just so dang easy to enable. HOWEVER. Please keep in mind that this thing will get huge and threatening regardless of context. If you’re in the market for a big cheap beater, this is a perfectly serviceable route to go down, whether or not it fits into any theme other than “attacking.” Pair this with as many instants as possible to make any combat that much harder for your opponents to parse. Confuse them! Make them doubt themselves! Get ’em good. Really, this thing is just clean living all around, and we should all be thankful it exists. You might be asking yourself why you would ever play this over something like a Managorger Hydra. Good question. The simple answer is to just play both. A different and more nuanced answer would probably involve going to some length about the value of imposing some restrictions on deckbuilding yada yada yada.
So this little lady is an all-around banger. Ophidians nowadays don’t get the recognition they deserve, so it seems as though Wizards decided to pump up the jams on this one. Sure, this thing only has a single point of power and no evasion. I GET IT, but if it connects you get to draw a card. That’s dope. And, importantly, if any of your opponents happen to have any warriors looking to get into the red zone, you get to do the whole thing over again since the trigger isn’t limited to just your creatures. I suppose the biggest thing in this cards favor is only costing two mana, which is notable primarily because these sorts of designs generally clock in at three. Plus she’s got laser fingers. Just a really elegant design where all the pieces fit just right. Those are the types of cards that I’m really drawn to, especially when those designs are at just the right power level to allow you to focus on what makes the card cool to play with.
1: Sky Hussar
Ok, so maybe I’m being a little too cute with this one. I mean, the real fun comes from never actually casting it. Every turn, you are granted the opportunity of paring down your board for the payoff of drawing a card and showing everyone your Sky Hussar’s beautiful face. I think my favorite aspect of this card is that if you want to feature it prominently, it asks you to play a lot of pretty bad (yet sweet!) cards alongside of it– a lot of dorky little idiots that are better utilized as things to be tapped than serve any other function. This also goes back to a central idea that I hold pretty dear in regards to commander: taking inoffensive game actions and making use of your game pieces is fun as long as you’re not hogging the spotlight. Believe me, forecasting this is never going to hog any spotlight that has been or will ever be invented. It plays out a lot like Undead Gladiator, but just more linear, which I don’t think is a huge detriment to the play experience. And then if you cast it you get to untap your creatures. Honestly, I’ve only really ever done that maybe…twice? I know it comes up, but really if you aren’t just forecasting this every turn you need to rethink your approach — it’s too much fun not to monopolize the time spent running this card.
So I think that’s a pretty good starter list there. Let this serve as a guidepost — something to point you in the direction of a Commander experience that will have your opponents on their heels with such exclamations as “Ok,” or possibly “Hmmm…sure,” or even “I guess.” Start there and build. Find the awesome cards that speak to you and sleeve ’em up.
commander, dear reader 